It's Summer now. Right in the damn middle of it. Days are hot and long, the sun scorches your weak translucent flesh, and people keep eating hot dogs. To combat the oppressive heat and humidity, many take to the water. Beaches are okay if you like the constant annoyance of sand and screaming children, and in-ground pools are great. Above ground pools, however, are fucking bullshit and need to stop.
First of all, they are all shaped the same. There is no difference from one to the next. They are all round, the only challenge to the above ground pool buyer is the diameter of pool to get. This is dumb. There should be choices in pool shape. Also, for something that is supposed to be round, there are an awful lot of corners involved. All the parts to make one (YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN GODDAMN POOL? BULLSHIT!) are straight, so it isn't a circle, its some moderately round travesty that just sucks.
You can't do anything in an above ground pool. I guess that's not true, you can float around listlessly if you are alone in the pool. You can't dive into it, lest you brain yourself on the bottom, or skip across like a flat stone and brain yourself on one of the metal poles on the other side. The only thing you can do, if there are more than one idiot in this thing, is war with the rest of the pool users (pooligans?). You can really only use pool toys to wail on each other until boredom happens and you get out. You can try to make a whirlpool, but you need like 6 people and since no one runs in water the same speed, that leads to war as well. God knows that Fatty McHotdogs won't hustle as much as that 13 year old Olympian in the neighborhood, so they'll get pissed, the whirlpool will die and a sad aquatic battle with break out.
They're gross. These giant yard buckets have no filters, so the water just stays there. The water, which is probably from a hose, never gets a good cleaning, like would happen in a normal, in-ground, pool. God knows there is pee in there. If you are alone in a pool, the chances you are going to pee are about 50/50. The probability of someone pissing in your white trash bathtub increases with every person that goes in. If there are over 5 people in that festering puddle, it's nearly guaranteed that there is also piss in it. Disgusting.
So if you want cleaner water, you have to take your pool apart and let it flow like a tidal wave of awful into your yard, creating some piss stained white trash bog in your lawn. So now your lawn is fucked up. And you have to re-fill your bad investment with a hose. Then treat it with chemicals to try to make yourself think that this abomination is actually fun. Those chemicals just killed your lawn. All the work you do to keep your shitty lawn a little less shitty had now been demolished because you can't spend real money to get a real pool. And you have to do this again at the end of the season. "Whelp, it's Labor Day, time to drain the enormous plastic pail of sadness we used twice" And then what? Break it down and put it away? Fuck that, let's leave it there throughout the colder weather, it'll be fine! The beating winter will give it won't wear down the structural integrity of the skeleton or thin plastic walls, noooo.
Get a real pool, loser. Get a pool with a sidewalk around it that you don't need a ladder to escape from. Get a pool that doesn't have a ring of dead pointy grass surrounding it where you have to dodge pain and poop mines left by some mongrel dog to get to a towel. Get a pool that has a diving board and a deep end. Get a pool that goes in the ground, because they are great. Above ground pools are bullshit and dumb.
Except kiddie pools shaped like turtles. Those things are awesome.
SD
