So everyone has opinions on grocery shopping. Generally, it sucks, it's a pain in the ass, but it's necessary. Since I have opinions on everything, I felt the need to articulate them in a silly way. Ranking them.
Now here's the thing, where I live, the choices are limited. We don't have a Whole Foods or Trader Joe's in the area, so they won't be listed here. Neither are local co-ops or markets, as they are all clearly better than the chain stores, and people are generally pleased to be there. I'm talking about the soul crushing supermarkets that we all trudge through on a semi-regular basis to get the shit we need.
So here goes nothin'...
1) Big Y. It's just better. The selection is good, the layout makes sense. They have a dude making fresh sushi. It's a nice damn grocery store. Sure, it's a little pricey, but, honestly, it's worth it. If I could afford it, I would shop there exclusively. The people who work there are oozing with hope, like America after Barack Obama's first election. They haven't been crushed by the real world yet. The people who work at Big Y seem to be immune from the lifetime of questionable decision making that the rest of us have wandered through.
2) Aldis. Aldis is fucking great. Sure, it's pretty much only generic brands, but that makes it cheaper. It's no nonsense, bullshit free, and they have everything you want, just without the label you're used to. Affordability is key here. Where a normal supermarket would have a $5 price tag on something like lunch meat, the same amount of food is $2 there. It's amazing. I can feed myself for weeks on what it costs for a night at the bar. The people who work there seem like they're surprised their lives took this turn, but somehow they are okay with it. The place is bootleg as fuck, and I love it.
3) Shop Rite. Shop Rite is dumb. It's always been dumb, and will always be dumb. It's always strangely dirty, the staff looks like they are all on some sort of work release, and they are always out of at least one thing that you actually want. Nothing seems fresh enough, and even though it's cheap, it's still more expensive than Aldis. Maybe because they are desperately trying to be a nice store, but it always feels like Shop Rite is trying too hard. When I go in there, the people pushing the carts seem lost. Not physically, but existentially. Nobody is in the right aisle, they all look annoyed, and they move slow. It's the go-to food mart for the elderly, so nothing moves at a pace that makes sense. I just want to go, get my shit, and leave. Every time I end up at Shop Rite, something stupid happens. Also, they have something called Turkey Ham in their deli. I don't know what this mystery meat is, and it scares the ever loving shit out of me. Fuck this place.
4) Stop & Shop. See above, but more expensive, and with less functional shopping carts. They don't have Turkey Ham, which is good. They have self checkout, which is also good for shame free shopping, however, the lanes are always broken, and someone always needs to come by and help you out with something anyway, so might as well go to a regular checkout lane and get the sales if you don't have a Stop & Shop card, because you can't without one in the shame free aisles. So the convenient thing becomes a nightmare. Well played, idiots.
5) McQuade's. FUCK THIS PLACE. If you were ever wondering if a social and/or economic divide occurs in this country, McQuade's proves that it does. Definitively. It's super expensive, even though the shit is all the same. I'm pretty sure they have a separate entrance for poor people, and instead of carpeting, the floor is covered with peanut shells. Also, calling someone a "colored fella" is a perfectly acceptable adjective there. It's fucking crazy how white that store is. The layout is insane. Instead of rows of stuff, like a regular store, they weed out simpletons by having this confusing circular labyrinth where all the products are. Bring some string Theseus, if you go to McQuade's, you're going to have to defeat the Minotaur to get out. Seriously, you turn around once, you're lost. I was looking for plastic wrap once, and ended up in goddamn Narnia. It makes no sense! For such a demanding place, it's not like they have perfect produce. In fact, it's oddly dodgy for the price you'll pay for it. Fuck McQuade's forever.
There. Go to Big Y if you can. If not, go to Aldis, just go there. And we're getting a gigantic one soon, so that's going to be the adventure of a lifetime.
SD
