I've come to a crossroads. After going through an August that was dominated by disappointment and various other bullshits, I have decided it is time to get it together. Everything. I need to restart my life. I need to start thinking about larger things and work to make those things come to fruition.
I have a job now. It isn't much, and I can barely pay my bills, but it's something. I essentially open boxes all day. I work for a company that does all the IT contracting at EB. I'm on the team that is replacing all the computers there, something that happens every four years or so. There are a lot of computers there, something like 8000 of them. So there is work to be done. It's entry level work, but like I said, it's something.
However, the money isn't good. It doesn't allow me to live the lifestyle that I want to live. I don't need to be extravagant or toss money around, but some modicum of comfort would be nice. I would like to have a little more security in my day to day life. So I am going to look for a second job. Something small that will provide me with an extra few hundred bucks a month to mitigate the weeks where I am more strapped than others. My crazy knee surgery was expensive, and paying it off little by little is terrible, so having some extra money coming in will help me greatly.
I want some stability in my personal life as well. I don't really discuss my personal life with anyone, because it's personal and I don't think that it's anyone's business. At the end of the day, I don't think anyone really gives that much of a shit about what's going on with my relationships other than those who are in them, so I won't bog down this post with words that most people don't care about. Either way, I want some sort of normalcy there. I need to start looking towards the future. I'm 34 years old and have very little to show for it.
I've skated along for too long just getting by. I need to stop doing nothing. I've done nothing of importance or influence in my time on this planet. I have no legacy. I have nothing to be proud of, really. I have a Bachelor's Degree, which I don't use, so I can't really say that those years have led to anything noteworthy. I haven't been able to use that knowledge, not yet anyway. Not for lack of trying, mind you, it's just that any time that I have tried to get a job or do anything that involves my education, I have been shot down.
Getting rejected that much is demoralizing. It's difficult to handle the constant stream of "No" that I have. I think part of the problem is that I get frustrated and start to give up. Not entirely, I just shield myself from the rejection by doing things that are mindless and small. I want to do something bigger, be part of a bigger life. Unfortunately, I am a little lost on how to go about fixing this problem. I guess I can just continue to put myself out there and hope something sticks?
I guess what this is all about is my need to start anew. I have to hit the refresh button and go into the remaining days of my life, however many there are, with a new energy and outlook. I need to stop dwelling on the things that have gone wrong and start looking for ways to balance them with things that go right.
How do I do all this? Beats the Hell out of me, but it's something I am going to have to do. If I don't, and continue on this lazy, useless road, I will turn into a lazy useless person. I don't want to be useless anymore. I've had enough of this crap.
It's time to start over.
SD
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