Douchebag Supernova

As we all know by this point, my schedule is merely a pipe dream.  Any focus to my day is a fantasy concurrent of a once real notion of hours and time.  I live as a cat.  A sweaty, disabled cat with cable and an internet connection.  One of my goals throughout this ordeal is to find productive ways to spend my time.  In that respect, I sleep more than I ever have, get some reading in, and try to keep my working limbs stretched out and in shape.  I watch Sportscenter in the morning, Netflix for some portion of the day, and do my best to keep on a cold therapy regimen for the knee.

But sometimes at night, I have trouble actually getting to sleep.  Last night was one of those nights.  I was mentally ready to go to sleep after The Colbert Report, but my body was still ready to be awake.  I flipped through the channels, and not wanting to see more women's basketball on ESPN, I kept going up the channels.  I found something interesting.  Something so appropriate that I was forced by morbid curiosity and bemused boredom to land on VH1.

VH1 used to be a music channel, and when they played music, they had a show called Pop-Up Video, where they would insert silly bubbles with factoids in them about the band or the video being shown.  VH1 was purchased by MTV, and has subsequently been converted into MTV for Dummies and people who care about Ice-T's wife.  MTV has become famous for showing a long run of programs surrounding the made up lives of strangers forced to live together in the raddest and best lit house on Earth.  From the embryo of The Real World was birthed the apex of everything tanned and douchey: The Jersey Shore.

The Jersey Shore is a whirlwind of loud, obnoxious, steroid fueled, indignity that represents everything that is wrong with this country.  The terrorists will never win so long as these people are still alive.  They, as a whole, are a bounty for ridicule and jokes.  They, as a whole, suck as humans.  They, as a whole, have nary a positive fiber in the entirety of their souls.  They, as a whole, are a skin and blood curdling reminder of why people hate.  In general.  People hate because of the cast of The Jersey Shore.

Why do I bring all of this up? I shall tell you.

Late last night I was sitting up and I saw the perfect confluence of silliness and scumbaggery.  I stared at the channel guide in wonderment as the greatest hour of time wasting the world has ever afforded a human being.  Pop-Up Jersey Shore might have changed my life.  An assault on the eyes and ears, Pop-Up Jersey Shore is a one stop shop for everything inane or covered in horrid tattoos.  From learning about how the show is set up logistically or what some cast member might or might not have pierced, I stumbled upon the greatest piece of televised synergy in the history of the medium.

For two hours, two full episodes, I watched.  I was drawn in by the bubbles, entertained by the idiocy of the people, and felt a vested rooting interest in the citizens whom the cast got into fistfights with.  I stared at my television, mouth agape, while 7 morons with no real sense or literacy level caroused along Seaside Heights New Jersey for the duration of a summer.  I felt my cerebral cortex shrink and my still beating heart yearn for a quick end as these people forced me to long for the end of commercials to witness more of their failings. 

Rarely have I seen more shirtless men or whored up whores yelling at each other with such abandon.  They had no regard for their unique situation, instead, they seemed to want to use the occasion as an attempted springboard for a post Shore career.  One member started a clothing company, but on her first t-shirt (of many, I'm sure) she misspelled the word Filthy.  Apparently the word has more of an impact when the L comes after the H.  I, for one, am proud of my spelling ability, and understand the function of the spell checker function on word processing programs.  J-Woww apparently doesn't.  Not my problem, but an example of their genius.  They have become famous for this crap.  Purely inspirational is the cast, as they have overcome severe learning disabilities to become rich and famous.  And an equal appreciation to VH1 has to be given for the stroke of brilliance to put pop up bubbles in their midst.

I hate the fact that this program block has taken up so much of my time.  Not only watching it, but writing about it later.  It has eaten away at me like a spirit eating bacteria, sucking my will to think out of the festering wound on my leg.  I do not regret it, I can't.  I find that regret is counterproductive.  But, so is watching Pop-Up Jersey Shore.

SD